Tara's Blog - Thank You Mom

This morning I woke up and couldn't help but start crying. I wasn't sure what I was feeling, but I knew it wasn't good. I wasn't in much physical pain, as I was just feeling the usual effects of my medication. I realized my tears were more deep than that. I wasn't feeling right emotionally. My mind wasn't in the right place. I didn't want to shower, I didn't want to face the day, and I didn't want to see my home nurse in less than an hour. But, I knew I had to put on a brave face so my mom wouldn't think anything was wrong. I wiped my tears, walked over to my mom's room so she could cover up my PICC line, then hopped in the shower.

The shower is one of the best times to reassess. I asked myself "Tara, how are you REALLY feeling?" 1 minute into the shower and I broke down. I couldn't stop sobbing. I stepped out and called my mom into the bathroom. I told her I wasn't happy. And I told her I didn't know why. My body is responding well to the medication, the cancer is continuously shrinking, and I am doing so well that my doctors want me to complete my next set of scans in 6 weeks. But after we had a serious talk, I realized that even though things were going well, the pain that I am feeling is getting to my head. I'm not as active as I'd like to be and I'm not seeing my friends as much as I'd like to because the pain I'm feeling is stopping me from doing the things that bring me happiness. I cried and cried. I asked "Why me?" I asked when this would all be over. When can I be done with the pain and have a normal life again?

My mom came to the rescue, as she always does. She told me she knew something was off the past couple of days. I was a little flushed and I wasn't my normal giggly self. I barely wanted to leave the house. My mom has been through some of the toughest times in her life and she's always come out on top. It wasn't easy, of course, but she has grown so much because of them. She told me to trust in God. To pray and ask for help. She told me to clear my heart and fill it with love, so that there is no room for negativity. She told me to ask how I can heal, how I can recover, and to give me the resources so that this can finally move on. How can I worship Him? How can I become closer to him?

My mom brought me so much peace, hope, and love. It is extremely difficult to make sense of your mental health when you believe everything is going "according to plan." As I said earlier, I know my medication is working well with my body and my blood levels are looking better every single week, but my mind was telling me that there is still something missing. My mom's reassurance that God is always there made me want to pray and pray until I couldn't find the words to pray anymore.

I'm so thankful for my mom. Her strength and determination to face all of her fears and become even stronger because of them makes me want to be exactly like her when I am older. I'm so lucky that I have her to guide me every day, to care for me and to keep me motivated while facing my biggest fear. So thank you, Mom. I love you so much.