Tara's Blog - Happy Fall Ya'll!

First and foremost...THE TUMOR IS SHRINKING EVERYDAY! I've only had one round of my new chemotherapy which consisted of 3 different drugs over the course of 3 weeks (2 weeks with chemo, one without) and I've also been continuing radiation treatment. Not only is the tumor shrinking, but I haven't been feeling too nauseous and my appetite has also been skyrocketting. It's so important to either gain or maintain my weight because the more calories I have in me, the faster my body can heal. So I've been trying my best to bulk up aka I've been devouring steak, potatoes, tacos, pasta.. Oh yea ;)

Radiation, however, is taking quite a toll on my skin. When they radiated my spine a few months ago, there came a time when the skin was so raw and sore, that all of my shirts would stick to it and it would sting and it just wasn't fun at all. Well I'm at that point, except now the burn is the whole right side of my chest. I've only had about 4 weeks of treatment, but the sunburn is in full force. Oh also, I call it a sunburn but it's much, much worse. It's more similar to a third-degree burn actually. I use a burn cream with silver in it to help heal the skin (which they also give to burn victims) and I use hydrogel pads. There's occasional bleeding, but that's expected what with the skin being so thin and raw. And I can't do anything to stop the burn, I just have to let it heal. Basically, I try to avoid it/not touch it as much as possible throughout the day

As I said earlier, I've only completed one round of chemo within the last 4 weeks or so. This is because when I finished my week off (the 3rd week of round one) and went back last Monday to start chemo again, my counts weren't ready :/ When that happens, you have to wait another week to check your counts again. So, I did exactly that and came in today. Unfortunately, my platelets were still too low (radiation really knocks them down), so I'll have to try again next Monday! This stinks because it just drags on the chemotherapy, but at least I get another week without crazy chemicals in my body!

How am I doing though? Like how am I REALLY doing? The doctors, nurses, and social workers ask me this every now and then, and honestly, I think I'm okay. Not super great, but definitely not gloomy, ya know? Cancer definitely messes with your mental state though. Everyday that I wake up, I immediately feel the pain of the burn on my chest. Getting up and moving first thing is probably the hardest part of my day. Some mornings I have to wipe away a few tears before I leave the house. Throughout the day, I'm constantly watching where I walk and who's near me. I'm very self-conscious so I get frustrated when I'm out in public somewhere and someone stares at me. Not even for a couple seconds just to see my beautiful face (just kidding haha) but they literally MOVE THEIR HEADS and watch my EVERY MOVE. I understand the whole severity of my condition but c'mon! If there's one thing worse than being ignored, it's being stalked. So if you're reading this and you tend to stare, please don't :( Anyway... I'm not completely positive 100% of the day, that's just impossible. But when I do break down, and trust me, it's more often than you think, I try to change my thoughts as fast as I can. I let myself cry when I need to, but that's when I have to realize that this is only temporary. God wants me to learn something from this, so that's what I intend to do. One day at a time. I just hope those days go by fast