The Psychology of Hope; Staying Positive

“Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.”

In honor of the third month anniversary of Tara, I celebrate her life by sharing the importance of hope, and what hope brings to a family when you have a child with cancer.

I used to think of hope as something you would do before a big test at school or before an important interview or meeting; something more like wishful thinking or a prayer. Now, I view hope as something as important as breathing. I never really knew just how important hope would end up being in my life, until my children got sick; particularly when Tara’s cancer turned aggressive. For two years prior, we were hopeful her cancer would just go away. It was a simple hope, as we strategized a routine of natural therapies. When she was fighting at the end of her life, though, hope became much stronger and it came with an array of feelings mixed with fear, prayer, and power. As her cancer turned more aggressive, the more aggressive our hope became. Hope gave us the power to believe that she could be “fixed”; that she could become well again. We were so grateful for the future as we continued to pursue scholarships for college and so on. 

For some, hope is just something that you naively feel in tough situations like this. A “grin and bear it” sort of thing, not always giving hope what it truly deserves. A negative mindset if you will. Psychologists today, however, have discovered that hope matters, a lot. Having goals is important, but especially when life gets tough, hope comprises the will to get you there and the different pathways (in the brain)  involved in the goal-setting. In Psychology Today, an article written by Scott Barry Kaufman Ph.D. writes, “Hope is not just a feel-good emotion, but a dynamic cognitive motivational system. Under this conceptualization of hope, emotions follow cognitions, not the other way around. Hope-related cognitions are important. Hope leads to learning goals, which are conducive to growth and improvement. People with learning goals are actively engaged in their learning, constantly planning strategies to meet their goals, and monitoring their progress to stay on track. A bulk of research shows that learning goals are positively related to success across a wide swatch of human life…”.  

Clearing the mind from negative thoughts played a big role in staying hopeful. I remember Tara telling me that during her most difficult treatments, she would play her ocean sounds, whether in her head or on her phone, and drift to a beach where she saw herself physically walking in the water. As she watched her perfect physically fit body turn to disfigurement, she shrugged it off and knew in her deepest hopes that she would come out more beautiful than she was before being diagnosed with cancer. Hope is what gave this 21-year-old the mindset to plow through these difficult years. Through it all, she smiled.

I must give a huge shout out to Tara’s team at Loyola Medicine in Chicago. Dr. Suh (one of her oncologists) and Dr. Melian (her radiologist) were the first to begin treating her. We got to know the rest of the team quite well; Dr. Kamberos and Dr. Hemmenway (oncologists), Dr. Bonwit (infectious disease), Dr. Casey Meirhoff (the resident), Jill, Karen, Marjorie, Jen, Britney, and many, many more (ICU and floor nurses), Sarah, Christa, Sue and Mariam (clinic nurses) and Dr. Ubogi, the ICU intensivist. I just have to say thank you for always giving us hope, until the very end. Never once did anyone on this team ever suggest that Tara might not make it, even though I’m sure they all had their educated guesses. As I think back to her last week of life, the hope that we perceived from the medical team was nothing short of a miracle. Even as she laid lifeless on the bed, with machines breathing for her, they offered hope by simply not saying she was dying. They went about their normal daily routines keeping very busy around her. They gave us time to cope in such a dire situation. I hear so many people complain about how their doctors offer no hope at all. I understand that as professionals, they should give it to you straight, but that hope relieved so much of our emotional stress. I knew what was happening to my daughter. I felt it. It’s my opinion that since parents have a sixth sense about what may happen with their children, and if you are that parent, then ask your medical team not to share those details with you. Tara used to say, “Don’t tell me.” It wasn’t because she wasn’t able to face the inevitable; it was so that she could remain fixed on the positives.

I still cling to hope today, for so many things. I know this is the next chapter. I continue to be actively engaged in learning new goals for my future. Among the most important, is to learn to set my heart and mind in the right place through prayer, writing and meditation. Hope is real. It gives me control in a situation where I don’t have any control. Hope is not blind. It is optimism. It is the determination that things will work out. Hope matters.